My Current Disposition

Hello...

So. I am at home now, in my room.

A lot has happened in the past week since I have arrived here in Atl., actually exactly a week ago from today. I have been feeling emotionally rollercoasterish, so to speak. One thing happens, then another. And tosses me a little off balance. I know it's not good that I'm allowing circumstances to tousel me this way. This whole journey is more than a relocation, a masters degree, and a job search. Maybe I'll get to that later one day...or actually, now.

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I have been struggling lately with my faith. If you know anything about God, you know that He created us, and so we (humans) were not created to be apart from Him--not successfully anyway. All good things are completed through faith. Spiritually and physically. All things.

My currrent disposition is affecting my entire life. I have no "other means" to run to to attain my success, jolliness, and peace of mind like some people do, though it is ultimately to there own destruction. I have no connections to an illegal cartel for my financial stability, or to a friendship with someone who'll tell me so confidently that with or without Him all will be well, because, well, all my close friends are believers too. And I would have this no other way. But my point is--there is nothing else for me. No mirage for me to grasp at for my happiness like almost everyone else does (isn't that ironic?). I am facing reality because He blessed me with this thing, an intense knowledge that disables whatever ability I might have had to cajole myself into naively thinking there might actually be another way to attain fulfillment without Him. And I am grateful for that. Yet...I also seem to be my own stumbling block. Don't you just hate it when that happens?


It seems that something about me, something about me is stopping me from reaching my own fulfillment. I seemed to have short-changed myself by not having faith--without which no manner of knowledge or understanding can make a relevant difference in one's disposition. And that is my current disposition. It seem so obvious, "Well then, just have faith. Duh."


Well thank you Benson, for your assistance. But you see, Watson, it is much more difficult than that, at least it seems so for me. Because...I don't know how. I believe in Jesus, but It's as if my faith is being limited by...something(s). I'm suffering from a slew of diseases whose roots seem to circle creating a catch 22. Except I know the answer. --> I need a boost in my spirit. A new battery--one that doesn't run out. A fire inside me that burns forever, but rather than consume me unto my own death, it fuels me by consuming me with it's urgency to fulfill. It's deep. It's awesome. It burns cleaner than anything you've ever and will ever know of. I know precisely what it is.

There seems to be something in me that keeps me from attaining it though. My own fear? Complacency? Unfaithfulness? Inconsistency? All four and more? *Sigh*. I'm not exactly sure, but boy, must I find out. Many of you may not understand the true implications of living a Godless life. But as I stated, this journey is more than a relocation, a degree and a career. It is much much deeper than all of that.

As much as I consider giving up sometimes, I can't seem to bring myself to that, or even anywhere near seriously considering it yet. And I hope I never will. One day I'll be able to explain all of this better, and maybe Ill even have visuals and personal anecdotes to back me up (I'm hoping for the latter). But right now, all I can do is try to strive.



Hoping for faith to hope for the best with,



O.F.C.J.

Above photo is not my property. Was attained from the Internet.