Pop Goes The Fuse

*WARNING! CURRENT, HEATED, LONG. APPROACH WITH TIME TO SPARE.*


Hello.

One word, hhhuuugghhh. No, not "hug", but "ugh" with a sigh in front. Why? Well I'm in a not so great situation right now. In between lack of clarity within my current general situation (life, purpose, blah blee bleu) , and post aggravation-al regret provoked by none other than my--and sadly, I'm disdained to use this title but, my sister, *ugh*, um I am in between a rock and a hard place, if not multiple rocks. What happened? An argument. And worse than the others, I regret this one not only because I am now in a place where I can no longer even consider staying here, no,but because I was keeping my cool...and then I blew it.

Like a stick of dynamite in a pool of gasoline next to a spark. Though there was ample provocation to result in this fiasco, I still blame myself because no one has control of me but God and me. And I let go of it for a few spare moments of anger. What could have caused such a reaction, you asked? Well aside from years of various aggravating factors, last night in particular... a simple conversation, well monologue more like it, she talked, I stared at my computer screen continuing with my job search and trying to ignore her with my headphones on playing a chill, relaxing demo loop. This soon turned into her walking up to me and taking one of my headphones out of my ear... for the second time, but this time I held on to it and poignantly said, "stop touching/give me back my headphone". But no, of course she held on to it. I stated clearly that I wanted it back, lest they break; she stated that if that happened it would be my fault since I was the one holding onto them, and if I didn't want them to break, I should let it go. Umm, I'm sorry, but does anyone else see the obvious glare of a flaw that's in that statement?? If so, please do tell.

Anyway, this soon escalated to her failure to listen, and then purposefully snatching the headphones--that I just bought mind you, and breaking them, "Ha! It's broken, now what?!"

............... Yes, I know. If you've been following this blog since the beginning, you've seen the pattern--family members who like to break my things. In 2008 it was him breaking my laptop by snapping it in half. Last night, it's her snapping my headphones into two. Lovely.

Luckily I had bought an extra pair when I bought those, but don't worry...those are now broken too. Complements of my heated attempts to remove them from her grasp.

But wait, there's more...

This soon turned into, somehow, oh yes, her reaching out and in fact, hitting me, after which I completely lost it. This was it ya'll, the popping point. I was indignant and didn't care. I grabbed her arm and she returned the favor. Soon I was standing up pushing her away and yelling furiously at the top of my air-loving lungs. I dared her now. "Touch me again!". I was heated, livid. And now she stood back staring, somewhere in the back (or front) of her mind knowing I was dead serious, and already regretting her actions. Hmph. Because though even I was not fully persuaded of my showing rage, I was serious enough to show it.
I eventually went back to my seat, and became angry enough, I picked up my cell to call my mother. And guess what? She tried to snatch that from me too. Ha! Can you believe this? But I snatched back and dared her with my words and the tone of my livid voice. No, my phone is not broken. Mmm, that would've been a whole 'nother level. Especially since my newer phone was recently stolen, and I'm now using my older one that I went through at least a hoop to deal with before buying a new battery & charger. ---But that's beside the story.

I was on the phone with my mom now, yelling, explaining myself, which was not as effective as I would have liked what with my then current state and all, he he :\. After a few more attempts to grab my phone, things stabilized in the physical contact area. She I eventually got of the phone with her after which she called my sister (from hence forth: "she"). Now guess what her argument was? Her story? "She's crazy!"

Um, *screeeeeeeeeeeeech*-----------I'm crazy? Wow, so this is what this all boils down to? You get to snatch earphones out my ear because I'm, as wrong as it may be, ignoring your lecture. Break my things, oh, and I forgot to mention, throw a few of the content of my purse around in search for her keys, toss my suitcase on the floor, hit me, and not to mention the persistent dogging and undervaluing old--no, we won't go there too much,-- trying to snatch my phone out of my hand and off my ear....and I'm crazy? Hm, wow. I don't even claim she's "crazy, psycho" or any of the other names she hurled in my general direction after the fact, but I will say this: Ha.

So this is your logic? 'I can do whatever I want and be in the green, but if you do the same or more, you're out of line". No, we're both out of line! But what with your high sense of entitlement, pride, and yet, insecurity, I see how you wouldn't see it that way. God forbid anyone even come off as a tad disagreeable, they are out of line-- which is, mind you, the so said reason for all of this in the first place...so said. But you can treat me as you please, say and do as you please, and somehow, SOMEHOW, by golly, you're justified! HA!

Anyway.... My brother called me to try to calm me down, I began talking to him, but then decided he wasn't the right audience to be venting to, and so I firmly let go of his attempt and said my calm yet quite firm goodbye. My mother called me back, and I she got on the phone with my brother and started telling him how "crazy, psycho, etc" I was. along with other things about me. I eventually got of the phone with my mom, who was also on the phone with her now, pleading with both of us to calm down and go to sleep as soon as we hung up. Eventually, I hung up, then she. I sat down, now quiet, on the couch and continued my impromptu apartment on the couch. And she....she, started talking again. Yes...yes. I stayed silent, and about, I kid not, 30-35 minutes into her me-directed soliloquy, I spoke in response. I know, wrong thing to do. I gave into provocation. She tried, before my response, to somehow make herself innocent. That was about 15 minutes into it. My responses, logical as they were, did nada. Of course (bad timing). And her pre-stated "calm", goodness forbid I added logic to it, turned into cursing and "I hate you"s mingled in with "I don't wish you any evil, I just want you to leave my place". Sincere much?

I fully accept my faults, painfully so. But it seems I will always be the faulted here. So-called anyway. *Sigh* God will sort me out, and this deep rooted ill situation too. *gruff siiiighhhhhh*.

As of now, I have to figure out where I will be moving to, lest my things be carried to the street, or the cops called to kick me out, as threatened.
And I really don't want to live with my dad. Ugh. God help me please. That's all I can say right now. Lord, take the wheel.



O.F.C.J.